TODAY'S LESSON: PROPER FORMS OF ADDRESS

Class! CLASS! Now, let's all settle down and pay attention, shall we?

Today we’re going to examine proper forms of address. There will be a test on this material later on, so I advise you all to take notes…

Now, we are all aware that "Granny" was a character on "The Beverly Hillbillies". It is also a type of knot, a low transmission gear and a variety of apple that makes a really swell pie; however, the one thing that it is not, in our humble opinion, is a flattering form of address for one's female grandparent.

So, unless you happen to be regaling all of your little friends with stories about the endearing antics of your "critters" down by the "CEE-ment pond", please do all of us grandmothers a huge favor and try to refrain from using the word in reference to our persons. (I, for one, would appreciate it immensely.)

The other word I find almost as unacceptable is "Grandma" (as pronounced with, or without, the quasi-silent "d").

For my part, the images that this gauche little word conjures up include:

1. Ma and Pa Kettle going to (or returning from) "The Fair", "The City", "The Army" or wherever it was that they were always going by means of a decrepit vehicle (the title of which, I'm fairly certain, they transferred to a Mr. Jethro Bodine upon their retirement) to meet up with "Frankenstein’s Cousin", "The Step-Son of the Wolfman", "The Third Cousin of the Mummy's Ghost Twice Removed" or whomsoever it was that they were always going off to meet in all of those dreary little films that they churned out by the case-lots in the Forties, or,
   
2. A drab, dusty, economically-depressed borough in some forgotten corner of the planet where all of the residents are "decorating-challenged" and there are no factory outlets for Chanel -- some kind of nightmarish hell where Christmas lights stay up long past Labor Day and everyone buys copious amounts of lotto tickets.

I think we can all agree that neither of these images is very flattering…

Being much too young and nubile, myself, to have any grandchildren related to me by blood (**blink-blink**), I have chosen to insist that my adorable, little step-grandchild address me by the infinitely more cosmopolitan and chic-sounding "Grand (with an articulately pronounced "d") mah-MAH".

I like it. . . I like it A LOT. . .


I like it primarily because it doesn't sound like anything Jed Clampett might say but, also, because it reminds me of a grandmother whose dramatic flair and razor-sharp wit are my inspirations.

Yes, I'm speaking of that "Queen of All Bi- [I mean] Witches", the one, the only Endora (mother of Samantha Stevens and mother-in-law to both of the Darrens Stevens) of the old TV sit-com "Bewitched".

Ah, yes. . . Endora. . . A grand-mah-MAH whose broom I can only aspire to be worthy enough to ride someday. . .

I know the question ruminating in all of your minds right now. Yes, it is a trifle difficult to pronounce properly; however, I truly believe that it’s well worth the trouble.

I have found that, with a rigorous training period of only about two years or so, the parents of one's grandchildren can be taught to pronounce the word at a nearly acceptable level. Oddly, they seem to develop the affectation of enunciating the word through clenched teeth, however.

Grandchildren, on the other hand, learn much, much faster, of course.

Just give it a try and I believe that you, too, will discover the same serene sense of satisfaction that I have from employing it. (I have also discovered that it has the added benefit of assuaging any stray feelings of repressed hostility that one might still bear toward one's own children in reference to their teenage-years.)

Alright, Class, for tonight's homework, I want all of you to practice deliberately mispronouncing the given names of your sons and/or daughters-in-law.

Class dismissed. . .