To My Daughter: My Best Parenting Advice

My Darling Daughter:

In this letter, I'm going to offer to you my best advice on being a parent...

This is my best effort at summarizing all of the things that I learned from being your parent plus all of the things that I have observed about being a parent from many different sources over the course of my entire lifetime.

I'm going to try to put these things in order of what I perceive to be their importance. (I said I'm going to TRY to do that) but, I sincerely believe with all my heart that, if you try in earnest always to keep them uppermost in your mind, they will help you be the kind of parent that I know you WANT to be, help your child be the kind of person YOU want THEM to be and help your child be the kind of person THEY will want to be when they grow into adulthood.

No. 1: There is no substitute for your time and attention.

I can tell you that all the widescreen color TVs in the world, all the fanciest Nintendo games, all the coolest cellphones and endless Disney DVDs ever manufactured will never, ever replace all of the rewards that they (and YOU) will realize for the hours that you spend with them -- directly supervising them and sharing your thoughts, feelings, personal history, fears, joys and wishes with them.

You will be a young, first-time mother -- working to keep a roof over your and your child's heads and food on the table… Sometimes you will be so exhausted from work and spending all the hours when you're not working running after a toddler that you will be starved for just a tiny bit of "me time". From the moment your baby is born, that child's demands on your time and attention will be constant. To some degree, you will feel as though any modicum of privacy and authority over even your own body has been stripped from you (as in the case of breast feeding).

You will come to the inescapable conclusion that you no longer have command over your life's priorities, your weekly schedule of activities or even the direction you had planned for your life.

Reinforcing the faintly disturbing feelings you will have that a "new regime" has now taken over will be the 3:00 am and 5:00 am feedings, the wet diapers that must be changed (and the ones that you can't tell if they're wet or not that STILL must be changed), the "fussy times" (that sometimes go on for hours) when your baby will fuss and cry and you can find nothing wrong, the doctor appointments, the dentist visits, "parent/teacher nights", slumber parties, school clothes shopping trips, shelling out $50 for special shoes (when you only paid $19.99 for the best pair you own) for a two year-old who will wear them approximately 60 days, dilemmas over where you should live (you can afford that apartment but is the neighborhood safe for your child?) and countless thousands of OTHER taxing demands upon your finances, time and energy.

There will be many, many times when you will be sorely tempted to allow the TV or computer to "babysit" -- just to have a few minutes for yourself just to think or put your feet up. I have to tell you, though, that, every hour your child spends withOUT you means another couple of emotional "inches" that will eventually come between you and him/her and, after a time, the distance between you will be so great that you will have to expend a hundred times more energy and effort to bring your child close again.

No. 2: WATCH THEM EVERY MINUTE!

When they are very small (say, from birth to about 5 years old), you must have your eyeballs right ON THEM, ALL OF THE TIME, during those times when they are under your sole care. You CANNOT simply put them in a playpen and go off into another room to catch up on your "soaps". You CANNOT believe you have "baby proofed" your house sufficently to be able to allow them to run around without any fear of injury or something being broken or destroyed. You cannot leave them in the bathtub to run and answer the phone for a second. You must have them IN your line of sight the ENTIRE time because children will find some way that you never, ever expected them to find and create disaster!

They will find the "chink" in your imagined "armor" and take advantage of it. They will find the ONE electrical plug you forgot to cover, the ONE bottle of bleach you THOUGHT you put away, the ONE pair of scissors or carving knife that you THOUGHT was out of their reach and they will find it IMMEDIATELY -- EVERY TIME!

If they can crawl or toddle, you must literally be on top of them at all times! You must anticipate WHAT they will reach for BEFORE they reach for it and HEAD them OFF before they get their hands on it.

No. 3: ANTICIPATE their behaviors and IMMEDIATELY REINFORCE the behavior you want them to display.

You must learn to recognize when their unsteady eyes begin to focus on some forbidden object and be ready, even as their tiny hand reaches out for it, to pull their hand away while reinforcing "this is something we don't touch" verbally.

Do this every time -- EVERY TIME -- and you will never have to yell at them or tell them, over and over again, not to do the same thing that you just told them 5 minutes ago NOT to do. In fact, the more times "no", "stop that" or "don't touch" escape your lips, the less likely they will be to listen to you because they will come to realize very, very quickly that they can ignore what you say the first 10 times (because you will repeat it) and that there are no "consequences" for defying your specific instructions.

This is really the "key" to raising a child who will not toddle out into oncoming traffic when you caution them, NOT reach up for the handle of a pot boiling on the stove on your word alone and who will eventually become a child who will LISTEN to you when you tell them not to get into a car with a drunken friend at the wheel (and call you to come get them and drive them home instead) -- a child that will take into serious consideration your best advice in any given situation and give you the benefit of the doubt because of the sum total of your vastly greater experience with life.

When they are very small, simply saying "back away from that heater before you burn yourself" will NOT WORK. You must SAY it AS you are picking them up and removing them physically at the same time. As you say "don't touch that!", be taking their little hand and bringing it down to their side at the same time. You will find that it won't take very long before you will be able to SAY "don't touch that" andtheir little hand will fall, automatically, to their side. But, it takes a LONG time AND it WON'T WORK WITHOUT No. 4:

No. 4: CONSISTENCY, CONSISTENCY, CONSISTENCY!!!

You must reinforce the behaviors you want consistently. Some behavior can't be forbidden one day and allowed the next due to "different circumstances". Small children have a very difficult time recognizing "different circumstances". Every transgression on their part must be handled the SAME WAY, EVERY DAY, EVERY TIME!

This means you will have to sit down and decide WHICH behaviors are WORTHY of the demands upon your energy and time IN ADVANCE -- and the "crime" must match the "punishment" the same way EVERY TIME. This also means you must CONSIDER what you say BEFORE you say it. Don't tell a child that the next time you hear a whine come out of their mouth, you will be picking them up by their heels and tying them to a tree-branch upside-down for an hour. Above ALL, you must FOLLOW THROUGH with what you say (promise) and, since THEY know as well as YOU do that you would never tie a child to a tree branch for an hour upside down, you CAN'T THREATEN them with it! Your WORD must be as consistent as the sun that rises each morning and sets each night. "You can take that to the bank" must become your watch words. What you say that you WILL DO, you MUST DO and, what you SAY will happen, MUST happen, EVERY SINGLE TIME!

After all, you don't want to be a LIAR and you don't want to RAISE a liar. So, you yourself, must NEVER LIE to them! They MUST believe that, if "Mom says X-result will happen if I exhibit X-behavior", it WILL HAPPEN.

This is in preparation for the time when that child will be AS BIG AS YOU ARE and their hormones will have them feeling pretty defiant towards you and authority in general. If, by that time, they do not have COMPLETE CONFIDENCE in the veracity of you and everything you say, YOU WILL lose them to alcohol, drugs, sexually transmitted diseases, etc. If they don't believe you when you say "if you have sex without a condom even ONE TIME, you risk contracting AIDS and DEATH", you WILL LOSE your child! They MUST believe that you KNOW what you're talking about and that you would NEVER lie to them. (There are very MINOR exceptions to this rule -- such as the fake "nervous condition" reaction that involuntarily caused my hands and arms to jerk out madly that I made you believe I had whenever I heard "whining" when you were a child. These "exceptions", however, must be VERY FEW and VERY FAR between!)

No. 5: You CAN'T "be their friend"!

Believe me when I tell you that any parent who says "I want my child to think of me as his/her buddy, not his/her parent" IS GOING TO REGRET IT later on! Children are very intelligent. They KNOW that they are not competent enough nor experienced enough to be an adult parent or an equal to one. Children MUST be CERTAIN, without a doubt, that YOU are the parent, the one who knows "the ways of the world" and the one "in charge" because -- knowing that they are not equipped to lead the family -- they become VERY INSECURE about themselves and the direction of their future existence if they ever start feeling as though you, the parent, don't know "what's going on here". They MUST have CONFIDENCE that their parent CAN and WILL see to their basic needs (food, place to sleep, etc.), that they are ABLE TO PROTECT THEM from the ills of the world that could hurt them and that their parents are doing THE BEST that can be done for them.

For, you see, a "buddy" wouldn't MAKE another "buddy" go get braces so they won't be embarrassed about the crooked teeth in their smile when they get older. A "buddy" wouldn't limit another buddy's intake of processed sugar to keep them from being a diabetic or obese, either. A "buddy" wouldn't tell them that they couldn't stay up late because they'll be late for school or tired in class tomorrow. Only a competent, determined, dedicated PARENT says those things and children KNOW that they NEED PARENTING!

There WILL come a time when you CAN be their "buddy". That will happen AFTER the child grows into adulthood.

No. 6: Don't sweat the small stuff!

Children cannot reasonably make many of the decisions that affect their lives because they are not equipped to do that until much later in life; therefore, all those little "details" -- all the nearly inconsequential decisions that we make every day (e.g.,"Should we go to McDonald's or Burger King for lunch?", "To the beach or the redwood forest for our vacation?", "Should I ask for the pink tee-shirt or the blue one?") -- are excellent times to give children an opportunity to "try out" decision making skills that they will need when they are older. It's good practice for them. Let them decide these "little things" whenever you can…

There's one BIG EXCEPTION to this rule, however: DON'T EVER put them in charge of decisions that could HURT them.

Instead of: "You can pick the snacks you want to eat this week" (which opens the door for them pick foods that aren't very good for them and you don't want them to get into the habit of eating), say something like: "You can choose between the cheese and crackers or some kind of fruit for snacks this week. Which one would you rather have?" This gives them the ego boost of being able to take at least a small PART of their destinies in their own hands but doesn't put them in harm's way.

No. 7: Teach them to take responsibility for themselves and their actions!

Don't make excuses for them! Don't let their acts of mischief/vandalism/hurtful behavior slide! MAKE them take responsibility! MAKE them APOLOGIZE to any wronged parties and then INSIST that they make their BEST ATTEMPT to compensate whomsoever they "wronged" with their actions (i.e., cleaning up their messes, working off paying for what they broke in maliciousness); however, you must not penalize them, EVER, for simple "accidents" that befall them that were plainly due to clumsiness, inexperience, etc. In determining which acts WERE "accidents" and which were done with maliciousness, however, you MUST BE HONEST with yourself AND with THEM and TRY as much as you possibly can to avoid the natural tendency all parents have to always believe the BEST about their childrens' actions and motivations which BLINDS parents and makes it impossible for them to view their childrens' actions with anything CLOSE to "impartiality". Don't automatically ASSUME: "Oh, no! MY little Johnny couldn't do THAT!" but, rather, always analyze and scrutinize your child's account of an event where damage was done to some party by some means by using dispassionate logic and always through the filter of the sum total of your life-experience.

Above all, be observant for "cues" (body language, eye contact, inflection) which could lead you to make a determination that your child just might not be totally forthcoming with the all of the variables involved or is trying to minimize his/her participation in negative behavior(s) in some way.

The question will not be whether you love your child or not. The question will be whether a natural tendency on the part of adolescents to defer responsibility for their negative behaviors by projecting it on other(s) is at work or not.

As a means of minimizing these times when you are forced to question the contribution of your child to a bad situation, always encourage them to:

* SHARE with others! This also means "pulling one's own weight" in any given situation. This includes not "slacking off" or shirking one's assigned duties so that OTHERS are forced to take on more than THEIR share of any responsibilities/duties/assignments that were rightfully YOUR CHILD'S responsibility to accomplish. The only time this should EVER happen is if your child is INCAPACITATED in some way (that was NOT of their own making) so that they are rendered INCAPABLE (physically, mentally, etc.) of accomplishing their own task(s) (e.g., mental retardation, a broken arm, contracted malaria or something similar).

IN FACT, your child should be very much ENCOURAGED by you to be the type of person who ACTIVELY SEEKS OPPORTUNITIES TO BE OF SERVICE to others whenever possible. To be the type of person who doesn't WAIT to be asked for their help but, rather, who is able to READILY IDENTIFY opportunities to be of service to others and then OFFERS their help FREQUENTLY and WILLINGLY.

* STAND UP and TAKE RESPONSIBILITY for the things they do that are plainly, morally WRONG and, first and foremost, reinforce the need to APOLOGIZE -- quickly and humbly -- for any of their actions that might have been hurtful to someone else!

* Try their very BEST to MAKE AMMENDS for any damages they may have caused as a result of their unacceptable, malicious/premeditated/mischievious acts!

Note, however, you must make it clear that there are some damages which CANNOT -- no matter how FAR one is willing to go or how much EFFORT one is willing to put into the task -- be mitigated. This is a fact of life. If he/she stomps on his/her friend's turtle and kills it, the turtle (no matter how MUCH your child might regret doing it) CANNOT be brought back to life. At times like these, all that one can do is offer their most profound apologies, remark that they are completely and utterly "in the wrong" -- maybe adding that they "don't know what came over them" -- and, perhaps, offer to purchase another turtle for the offended party. SOME things, however, once "broken", simply CANNOT be "fixed".

If you slack on these points, you will raise an irresponsible, nefarious, lazy adult whose future peers (school chums, co-workers, etc.) are going to say "Oh, no! Here comes HIM/HER!" (either behind his/her back or, eventually, right to his/her face)! You don't want that kind of hurt for your child… It hurts when people don't like you or avoid you because you don't take responsibility for your own actions or you're always making up excuses instead of doing your own work.

The MOST EFFECTIVE means, however, to get these points across to your child is BY LIVING THEM YOURSELF! Do NOT cheat on your taxes and then become indignant when your child cheats on a test. Do NOT tell your child it's wrong to smoke marijuana while having your third martini of the evening. Children SEE WHAT YOU DO and they absorb everything around them like tiny sponges with long-distance, super-sensitive antennae. If you don't want them to use profanity, don't swear around them. If you don't want them to be violent, don't hit them. CHILDREN LEARN BEST BY EXAMPLE -- YOURS!!!

No. 8: Hugs, hugs and MORE HUGS!

Never, EVER, withhold affection from your children! HUG them, KISS them -- even when they think they are "above that sort of thing" (and this WILL HAPPEN when they reach late adolescence/teenage years) -- OFTEN and without reservation! Take every opportunity to TELL them in NO UNCERTAIN TERMS that you LOVE them, you put them above everything and everyone else and you want only the best for them.

Make them understand -- whenever and however you possibly can -- how DEEPLY your love for them goes into your being and that your love for them is NOT contingent upon their physical appearance, their particular abilities/skills/gifts or their behavior or how they conduct themselves at any given moment.

If they are behaving very badly, you can (and you absolutely SHOULD) express your displeasure -- your "dislike" -- of the behavior but, the question of whether you love them or not SHOULD NEVER occur to them. There should be absolutely NO DOUBT in their minds that you love them, no matter WHAT they do.

Remember that "things" and "love" are not equals. "Things" are transitory... That cool game or outfit or car that they want will someday end up on a garbage heap but love is eternal. Similarly, don't ever allow YOUR feelings of guilt over decisions/situations that you were a part of but your children were not that, nonetheless, negatively affected them OVERRIDE your dealings with your children in regard to consistency, discipline and a sense of personal responsibility.

You may feel terribly guilty, for example, that you and your child's other parent sought a divorce but DO NOT use those feelings of guilt as an excuse to "welch" on your commitment to be consistent in your reinforcement of any of the areas I have outlined above. When you do, you completely destroy all of the work that you have put into the reinforcement of positive behavior and do your child a huge disservice. Stand firm. Stand tall. Stand confident and do all that you can to be the best example you can be for your child.

I love you... (But, then, you KNOW that! ;o) )

Mom